All on the Way to La Push
by Marx810
Summary: Seeing that all the other Cullens are preoccupied, Renesmee and Jacob are left to their devices and decide to go to La Push. Most likely not what you're expecting. Set after Breaking Dawn. Rated M for language.


(A/N: This story is actually a little side story to a bigger one I'm planning on doing. I'm sure you'll be able to tell the…nature of the story in question. But when I thought of it, every Twilight story I'd done had Jacob in it…cuz he's just a really fun character to write. And that was the first one that I'd thought of without him in it so it got me to thinking, "What would Jacob be doing while this story was going on?"

And there was also the challenge of seeing if I could write Renesmee(who my fiancé despises) in a way that she'd like her. Probably won't work but I'll see if I can get her not to hate her as much. For anyone wondering why my version of Nessie's so crass, I figured if she hung around Jacob all the time she'd get some of his personality traits. Anyway, here's the story. Oh! One last thing. This would be set about 6-7 years after the end of Breaking Dawn.)

"You're never gonna beat me, you know." Renesmee teased as she ran backwards, looking at the giant wolf behind her, trying to catch up. The two had just gotten back from hunting. Sure, Jacob didn't need to anymore but he sometimes did it with Renesmee just to keep her company.

Jacob merely growled as he sped up, really pouring on the speed, but it was like Nessie had said, he never caught up with her unless she let him win…and he always hated when she did that. Of course, Renesemee reached the house first and did her little victory dance as Jacob ran to the woods to put on his clothes so he could turn into human form. When he got back, he saw Nessie was giving a curious look to the Cullen house with her head cocked to the side.

"What's wro-?" Jacob started until he heard it too. "Ah…"

"…wow…I think…I'm simultaneously disgusted and intrigued…" Nessie stated, turning away from the house.

"Is there some…kind of…vampire mating ritual going on in there or something? It's kind of creeping me out." Jacob asked, turning away as well.

"Not that I know of. Maybe…we should come back…later…"

"Agreed." Jacob said with a nod, as he took a running head start into the woods.

"Hey!" Renesmee protested. "Get back here you, cheater!" Jacob didn't turn into his wolf form, so catching up with him was even easier than before. This was made even easier by the fact that he was slowing down…not just slowing down…running back in her direction.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Jacob swore, running past Renesmee, who soon heard what he was running from. Whatever was causing the other Cullens to be so…frisky…wasn't just contained to the house. "What is with everyone today?" Jacob complained.

"Was…that…Esme and-?"

"Don't!" Jacob exclaimed. "I'm trying to scrub my brain!"

"Can't be much to scrub." Nessie teased.

"Ha. Ha. I'll think of a comeback as soon as I get that image out of my mind." Jacob growled.

"Esme and Carlisle are back there. Naked. Doing things to each other. Naughty things. Naughty, naked things." Renesmee teased.

Jacob got the look of someone who just got a brain freeze from eating ice cream too fast. "I. Hate. You."

"But seriously. I can still hear them. In the house and in the woods. We need to go somewhere else until they get it out of their system." As Renesmee spoke, a subtle blush appeared in her pale cheeks.

"Yeah, I can still hear them too…" Jacob grumbled.

"It's kind of…making me want to do things. Naked. Naughty things." Renesmee turned to see Jacob's expression after her comments and it didn't disappoint causing her to bend over in laughter.

"I swear you are the biggest perv I know. And coming from me, that's saying something." Jacob said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, like I didn't learn from the perviest." Nessie said, giving Jacob a playful punch in the shoulder. "And don't act like you're not thinking the same thing."

"Damn horny vampires." Jacob grunted. "To La Push?"

"To La Push!" Renesmee exclaimed, excitedly as she pulled Jacob onto her back.

"Hey! What the-? You know I hate it when you do this!" Jacob exclaimed.

"Hey, I'm the fastest way there. Or do you want anyone who happens to be phased knowing exactly why you're going home?" Nessie asked, with a grin.

"Ugh…" Was all Jacob could say. It made sense but he really did hate being carried by Nessie places. Even if he ignored how emasculating it was, it just looked ridiculous considering the size difference between them. If it wasn't for Alice, Nessie would be the shortest Cullen. But before he could protest any further they were off, keeping just outside the woods but able to go in when she saw a car.

"Do you ever think that if you'd imprinted on me right that we wouldn't be going so far to do this?" Nessie asked, unusually thoughtful.

"We did imprint right. Nobody said that the connection necessarily had to be romantic. It's just what fits the two people the most." Jacob replied.

"Everybody else imprinted romantically. Though I'll be honest. I love you, Jake. But being with you that way kinda grosses me out."

Jacob gave an exaggeratedly offended expression. "Oh? And why is that? I have it on good authority that I'm 'kinda beautiful' I'll have you know."

"See? See? That's just it! You were told that from my mom! That's just…wrong. You don't go from someone's mother to their daughter. This isn't Peter fuckin' Pan! Can you imagine it? We'd be getting all into it and I'd be all ,'Oh Jacob!' and you'd be all, 'Oh Bella…I mean…Nessie…sorry…I just thought about doing this position a lot…WITH YOUR MOM!' It's just…ewwww…" At this point, Jacob was laughing so hard if Renesmee's balance wasn't so good she'd probably have lost it by now.

"Okay, fair point. Though I don't actually like her like that anymore." Jacob said, still chuckling.

"Oh that's just Bull. Those kinds of feelings don't just magically and conveniently go completely away. Hell, you were going to kill me for her." Nessie shot back, much to Jacob's surprise. She wasn't supposed to know about that. "Oh yeah, I know."

"Well…Edward wanted to kill you too." Jacob said with a smirk.

"Oh yeah, that does loads for my self esteem. Besides, you wanted to do it for longer. I remember everything. Here I am. A little baby, thinking, 'Oh, who is this 'kinda beautiful' boy? I think I want him to hold me.' And you were thinking, 'Kill it! Kill it! Shoot it in the head!'

"Oh come on Nessie, that's not fair. Shooting you in the head totally wouldn't work. Unless you coated the bullet with venom…"

"…yeah. You know what you get for that one?" Renesmee put her hand on Jacob's chest and sent a very explicit image of her and Seth…naked…doing…yeah, that joke probably isn't going to be as funny the third time.

"Ugh!" Jacob groaned, almost falling off of Nessie's back if she didn't have such a strong grip.

"Yeah, you keep at it and I'll send a nice, juicy one of you and Rosalie." Renesmee threatened.

A loud, barking laugh escaped Jacob's lips. "Oh! I heard about what happened with you two. Remember what I told you about Blondie?"

Nessie let out a sigh. "That as soon as I wasn't a baby anymore I'd see what she was really like…"

"And?" Jacob continued with a grin.

"She's a bitch…" Renesmee muttered, a grin of her own forming as Jacob's infectious laughter rang out.

"I told you! And every time I did, you always said it was because **I** was being mean."

"Fine fine. You win on that one. Doesn't matter though. I like Emmett better anyway." Renesmee said, with a roll of her eyes.

"Nessie and Emmett sittin' in a tree." Jacob teased.

"Oh God, no." Renesmee said with a shudder. "Anyone who changed my diapers….just…no. It really sucks having a photographic memory sometimes. I literally remember everything from being born. I remember some things from **before** I was born."

"…ew…"

"Exactly!" Renemee protested.

"No no. Not that. I was just having flashbacks of Bella drinking blood to feed you. Just all kinds of gross."

Nessie gave a nod with a small chuckle that if Jacob had seen, he'd have known something was coming. "I may drink blood but at least I don't shed and smell other dog's junk."

"Oh bite me! I never smell- OW!" Once again, Jacob almost fell off.

"What? You used to think it was cute when I bit you." Nessie looked up at Jacob with an innocent expression.

"Yeah? I used to think you were cute too." Jacob shot back, sticking out his tongue.

"Cute? I'm fucking adorable!" Nessie replied with a huge smile.

"Freak." Jacob shot back with a grin, as he saw they were at La Push and got off of Renesmee's back, the two of them walking now.

"Mongrel."

"Leech."

"Mutt."

"Carrot Top."

"Flea factory."

"Now now. I have it on very good authority that he is not a flea factory. Or he damn well better not be." Leah stated, with a roll of her eyes. Those two never changed.

"Hey Nessie." Seth said, with a grin.

"Hiii Seth." Renesmee said with a wink.

"And what brings you two here so early?" Leah, asked, genuinely curious. Usually they stayed at the Cullen house until it was close to night on Renesmee's hunting days.

"Oh…we just felt like coming here, early." Jacob said as the two of them looked at each other with a grin before turning to Leah and Seth.

"It's…so…creepy when you do that" Leah muttered.

"Do what?" Jacob asked.

"When you two do that…thing where you're making the exact same expressions at the exact same time. It's like a…twisted, gender bending mirror." Leah replied.

"I think it's kind of funny." Seth said with a smile.

"You know what else is funny?" Nessie hopped over to where Seth was and touched his cheek sending an explicit image of what was currently on her mind.

"Ah….aaaaah…yeah…um…I....we gotta go…See you later, Sis." Seth said, as Renesmee picked him up(he didn't mind) and they dashed off.

"Slut!" Leah shouted out after her.

"Dogface!" Nessie yelled back in the distance.

"Skank!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Your brother gets it for free!"

"Dammit! How does she always get that last one in right when she's out of earshot? Ugh! I hate her!" Leah yelled.

Jacob, meanwhile, was subtly kissing her shoulder. "Yeah…she sucks…" He muttered.

"She does! I don't see how you can hang around her so much! She's arrogant and annoying and she irritates the Hell out of me!" Leah continued to complain as Jacob's lips moved up from her shoulder to her neck.

"Yeah…I know…" He muttered again.

"And…you're not listening to a word I'm saying…" Leah gave a sly grin as Jacob's kisses started to register.

"Sure I am. Every…single…word." With every break in between the sentence, Jacob added another kiss, slowly edging up, currently at her chin.

"You're not always going to be able to distract me like this. You know that right?" Leah said, her smile getting wider.

"Sure, sure." Jacob replied, his grin matching her as their lips met.

(Annnnd that's it! Sorry for anyone who was expecting Jacob and Nessie to be together in this. I did kinda warn you…)


End file.
